Seras and the Maximum Security Gaol
by aquadulcis
Summary: Seras didn't know how she'd ended up in a maximum security prison. Crack


**Seras and the Maximum Security Gaol:**

Seras didn't know how she'd managed to end up in a high security prison. She was even less sure as to how she'd ended up in a _men's_ prison. In a cell. With a rather unfriendly fellow called Dirty Shaz. Was Shaz even a guy's name? Was she going to risk asking him?

The fact that the prison jump suits were _completely_ unflattering was the final straw.

Seras entertained herself by playing with her frayed sleeve end. She was uncomfortably aware of the way Shaz was looking at her but even he wasn't as bad as the bunks. They must have had mattresses made of cardboard and hate for them to feel so stiff. She decided to lie down and try to sleep. She could probably have gotten out if she wanted to but that would cause a fuss. She didn't want to start a riot and then leave Sir Integra and Walter to clean up the mess. It just wasn't right. She'd wait until someone let her out.

"Hey," a gruff voice intruded upon her repose. "You can't sleep during the day."

Seras opened her eyes again and sat up.

"I can't?"

"No, you have to go out and exercise."

"Oh, I didn't know." Seras was lucky that most of the facility was inside. "I'm more of a night person though."

"Not here you ain't."

"I'll just sleep a little while, Shaz, I can do some exercise later."

Seras rolled over and Shaz was disregarded for the first time in his life. The fleeting idea that Seras might be turning her back on him because she knew something he didn't was all that saved her from his unique brand of messy violence.

* * *

It was universally voted that Seras was the scariest inmate ever. When she'd arrived at the gaol everyone had presumed that she was a very unlucky transsexual. The shrinks had tried to get her into solitary for her own protection but apparently the law was not so kind. She was going to be one of their breakthrough cases for separate confinement for trans prisoners. She really was…

Then it was discovered that she could lift her own weight, a physical impossibility given the constraints of gravity and the human frame. The girl didn't even break a sweat. She'd even yawned in boredom and displayed canines that had been filed down to a point. They'd all seen that guy from Oz file his nails into weapons but this was something else… Was she planning to bite someone to death?

Her subservient politeness was perhaps the worst part of her. She couldn't possibly be genuine. The other inmates were scared witless of her too. Half were trying to ingratiate themselves and the other were planning to kill her. The white supremacists and the militants were particularly adamant in their wooing.

It's best you don't know which gang tried to subjugate her in the showers. They don't exist anymore. Seras had been uncomfortably familiar with sexual assault throughout her life and she wasn't about to put up with that sort of behaviour. From then on seven until eight, morning and night, was shower time for Seras and no one entered during that time. It was one of the first things you learnt when you were initiated.

* * *

Seras ended up staying in that place for about a month before anyone rescued her. When Walter did show up, she told him she wasn't leaving. Quite frankly, she was hurt. Hadn't they noticed she was missing? Bugger the lot of them, at least in the slammer she had respect.

Walter tried to explain that some bizarre clerical errors that were impossible to track had led to her being sent to an obscure gaol. He tried to say that they'd been frantically searching for her… Well, he'd been searching pretty frantically. Alucard hadn't given a rats arse, that bastard. Walter quickly came to question why he had to do so much work with so little recognition from anyone at all.

So Dirty Shaz gratefully moved out of the cell he shared with Seras and Walter took his place.

"I did a deal with the guards for better padding on the bunks." Seras had let him take the top bunk. "They're not bad now."

In prison Walter didn't have to bring tea to anybody. Sure, he had to avoid getting shivved but that was something he was overqualified for and nobody seemed to want to make him their bitch, so that was good. Perhaps a little damaging to his ego but good. He even managed to barter some cigarettes for guitar strings. It was sort of like using a knife when you were used to a sword but they were sufficient.

Walter, oddly enough, was not one of the scarier inmates. He wasn't even in the top ten. He was one of the politest men to have ever been incarcerated, which was why no one tried to kill him much. It was kind of unsatisfying to get into a fight with a man that introduced himself as Walter Dornez, the angel of death and retainer to the Hellsing family.

Nobody wanted to be known as the guy that lost to a butler.

Seras and Walter spent a lovely week learning to knit on stolen needles. Seras made Walter a scarf and Walter made Seras a rather cute hat. They were wearing them when Alucard and Integra showed up.

Alucard and Integra had been pretty enraged when they discovered that both their servants were missing. Well, that's not strictly true. Alucard became increasingly annoyed that he couldn't find anyone to harass and Integra was going into Ceylon withdrawal. She could be a real bitch when she didn't get her afternoon cuppa.

"Where the hell have you been?" Integra was using her dominatrix voice, the one that made you want to piss yourself but still left you strangely turned on.

"Well, clearly we've been here." Seras gestured towards the bars of her cell, "Knitting."

Walter helpfully held up his newest creation, a dog puppet with red eyes. He opened and shut his hand so that the dog looked like it was barking. Seras giggled and held up her own puppet, which was cat shaped.

Alucard fought hard to repress the feeling that he had accidentally made a mental deficient into a vampire. Integra turned purple. It was not flattering at all next to her hair colour. Dirty Shaz chose that moment to push into the room.

"Victoria, Dornez, the white Rastafarians and the black Nazis have declared war on each-other." He barely spared a glance toward the other occupants of the room, "They've started brandishing toothbrush shivs from opposite ends of the cafeteria."

"Well, we've got to go sort this out." Seras clapped her hands on her thighs with an air of finality. "I don't know how you managed to get this far into the place but if you want to see us again you'd better do it with a glass pane between us."

"The others might get jealous, it wouldn't be fair." Walter offered Seras his arm and they walked off to the burgeoning fight.

"Next time I make a vampire I'm making an obedient one." Alucard clenched his fists, "One with less of a fucking will to live!"

* * *

The gaol wasn't about to let a large band of mercenaries come and visit, so they sent Pip. They even voted on it. It was decided that they should definitely let him go because he was getting pissy with Seras gone so long. He had a major jones for her. He'd even stopped seeing prostitutes because he was sulking too much to pick one up.

"Seras, ma cherie, they aren't treating you badly are zey?" Pip pawed at the glass between them pitifully.

"Oh no, I really like it here," Seras raised her fingers towards his, "I have missed you though."

"All the Geese send their best wishes, we've been so worried about you," Everybody had banded together to make her a giant card, once they found out where she was, "I had no idea you were in such an 'orrible place."

"Hey, don't worry, it's really fine," She smiled softly, "I mean it, it's very clean and no one gives me any trouble."

"Ok Seras."

* * *

The gaol wasn't about to let a large band of typists come and visit. They came anyway.

"Walter, are you alright?" Suzie had only gotten her job at Hellsing because Walter had given her a chance.

"Do you need any of us to smuggle in contraband items?" They kept swapping the headset amongst themselves. All the girls nodded emphatically when Trudie asked about smuggling.

They would have done anything for Walter.

"We miss you!" When the guards made the girls leave their sobbing could be heard throughout the entire complex.

Everybody, from the lowliest grunt to the nastiest prison guard, wondered how in hell Dornez got to be such a stud.

* * *

I'm sure you're expecting this story to end like most sitcoms do, with a reestablishment of the proper order.

Sorry.

Seras and Walter stayed in the prison for the rest of their/its natural lives. It seemed that all the higher ups in England were sick of Integra telling them what to do, so they refused to release them. You already know that _they_ didn't want to leave.

After a while Seras started consenting to conjugal visits with Pip. Most of their time was spent holding hands, really. Pip was pretty pathetic when he went into Seras withdrawal. He eventually killed the President of the United States while he was visiting the British PM. This allowed him into the same prison that Seras and Walter were in. He and Seras spent many happy years together.

Maybe she turned him into a vampire or something and they got to spend eternity. Nobody knows. What is known are the words said to Alucard by Seras when the gaol eventually fell down.

"That's what you get for under-appreciating me, Master. I'm moving to Australia, don't bother calling me."

* * *

I should stop writing Seras-centric crack. Should.


End file.
